Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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