I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I believe in your delicious
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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