dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
