Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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