his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
