in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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