I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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