Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
