I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize