Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
