Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
