I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You know, be my cock's hype man.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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