I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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