I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
