worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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