Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
