Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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