And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
