Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
