the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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