i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
