Did you just see the Batmobile???
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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