exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
