Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
