I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
