I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
ttyl tear gas
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
