i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
