My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
