Kiss
Puke
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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