i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
