New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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