Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
