I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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