the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
babies were throwing up all over the place
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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