a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
