paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
