I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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