There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
