dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
