I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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