You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
