I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize