I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
