I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
