So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
