New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You know, be my cock's hype man.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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