i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
