life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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