All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
