I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
