I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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