i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
