every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
