If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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