They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We have started to decorate penises.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
