Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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