she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
