I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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