Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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