So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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