Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
