It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
